Posted by Just Promoters on
Nichi Hodgson writes in this explosive piece on how to improve your s*x life. There's an old adage: If sex is the answer, who cares about the question. But sometimes s*x is so bad it seems to break more than it fixes. Still, there are ways of creating R&R for every kind of post-coital panic; you just need to be a little inventive. We've picked five common instances of bad s*x below — even Russell Brand will recognise some of these — and given simple strategies for how to bounce back.
1. Stale s*x
One of the biggest challenges in an ongoing relationship is keeping the s*x fresh. So whether you’ve found yourself nodding off before orgasm, or spooning for the four hundred and twenty eighth time, the best way to inject novelty into your bad s*x life is planned spontaneity. Yes, that sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it’s really as simple as planning new moves ahead of schedule. That doesn’t mean taking yourself off to a secret bondage class, just planning an unexpected move when you’re both in the mix. Try moving her from bed to the floor, for example. Or getting her on hands and knees to receive oral from behind.
The received wisdom is that s*x only gets better with communication, but sharing your plans can strip all the surprise out of them. Still, you do need to make sure what you’re planning is consensual, so be sure it’s something you’ve previously tried and liked, or something she's said she’s at least curious about. And if you’re keen to latch onto a new fantasy, ask her about them over a shared bottle. If she’s shy, make the questions direct, that way she only need answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to, oh I don't know, whether she’d like to try nipple clamps. Then file them for at least a week before you whip out the new moves.
2. Drunken s*x
If ever there were s*x that seemed like such a good idea at the time, this would be it. But while your pride or carpet burn might be stinging, your primary concern should be contraceptive safety – did you rubber up? If not, does your female cohort need to take the morning-after pill? And where’s the nearest STI clinic (you should make testing a priority, especially if it’s with a new or one-time partner).
The great thing about drunken s*x is that you can blame any foul moves or foul language on the intoxication itself. If you’re trying to figure out how much she remembers, start the next morning with a question such as, “How are you feeling?” rather than “Did you enjoy yourself?” It’s easier on the ego and will give her a chance to open up if she had a truly awful time.
If you’ve had drunken s*x with an ongoing partner to diabolical reviews, promise her a stone-cold, sober-hot session in a few days time to make up for it. Sober s*x can be a jolt if you're used to casual boozy hook-ups because of its focus on intimacy, but it’ll also put you in her better books quicker than a bottle of Cruet.
3. Out of depth s*x
Sometimes in life we get a little ahead of ourselves and the person before us really starts to believe our bullshit. In the case of s*x, this can mean, for example, making out we’re the next Christian Grey whilst having no clue how to wield a paddle.
If you find yourself up that proverbial creek, there are other ways to get the boat moving. First up, dare to admit you don’t know what you’re doing. Learning how to paddle takes practice and research – try Pandora Blake’s Dreams of Spanking website for tips or a book by an expert such as Midori. It’s amazing how much a confession of amateurhood can make a woman swoon – it takes real boldness to admit novice status. You can avoid losing face by emphasising how you can now both explore together. It’ll take the pressure off you while also endearing her.
Second up, reset with a kiss. Kissing covers a multitude of sins, hang-ups or dud moves, and has been proven to be one of the secrets that keep happy couples together for longer. It will also release some positive and bonding hormones in the forms of serotonin and oxytocin, so helping to affirm that you’re in this poor-move mess together, even if you were the one thwacking her thigh like a pummelled chicken parmigiana.
Third up, take yourself off to a specialist s*x store such as Coco de Mer or Lovehoney, where the resident sexperts will be able to give you safety tips, skills and guidance on how to properly use the equipment so that you’re ready for a rematch.
4. Emotionally-driven s*x
Can you ever be too emotional during s*x? Well, yes – if you or your partner is too emotionally vulnerable to navigate it but attempts to anyway, or if you’re using s*x as a mechanism to avoid a deeper discussion.
Times when it’s okay to have emotionally-driven s*x: when one of you has burned the dinner; when she’s feeling bad about her body; when you’re both stressed about something.
Times when it’s not okay to have emotionally-driven s*x: when one of you feels insecure about a relationship with another person; when you’ve had an argument about finances; when you’ve disagreed about where your relationship is going.
The make-up high may be tempting but if you haven’t resolved the argument, you haven’t earned the nooky. That said, solve the problem, and the bedroom is the perfect place to celebrate.
Nichi Hodgson is a journalist, broadcaster and s*x educator. She is the director of the Ethical Porn Partnership and author of Bound To Me, a memoir that details her experiences as a professional dominatrix.
Driven by the passion to promote human resources and the strive to giving the world an ear to listen through a media platform called JUSTPROMOTERS